My Dear Friends

I'm not doing well, and I 'm probably going to have to go into the hospital for awhile. I have been following the regimen of medications given to me by the ER doctor to the letter and have gotten no relief whatsoever. Being an old hat at this, I know what's in store for me when I decide to head back to the hospital...and though at the moment I'm trying like hell to avoid it, I know it's inevitable.

Currently my breathing is so bad that I can't walk or talk much. Movement makes me extremely short of breath. I have to sit very still and not move much at all. I know that I have symptoms of respiratory failure, and I know I need to be intubated again. (That's why I'm holding off on going back to the hospital). I have gone through this many, many times in my life...too many.

I can't smoke, so that's a plus. I do light one and hold it...sometimes take a tiny puff, but not inhale. Pathetic, I know. I'm embarrassed at my own idiocy, but I tell it like it is, even if it makes me look bad. I developed chest pain late last night, and it took 3 squirts with my nitro spray before it subsided somewhat. I know I am in serious hot water this time. And I am very aware that this time, I may not recover from it.

SO I wanted to let you all know, because I truly do care for my friends online. Everytime I sent you a hug or a kiss or told you that I loved you, I meant it!!! You all have enriched my life with your humor, and sharing your lives with me---- and it means a great deal to me. You are all wonderful people, and I am grateful to have met you!

I'm terrifed at the moment that I may not survive this latest round of illness...but I'm not looking for any one of you to feel sorry for me, I'm not looking for attention and I'm not trying to be dramatic. Facts are facts. I screwed up my own health by smoking. It's my own fault. I've got no one to blame but myself. I don't want to die...the idea of it scares me more than words can describe. I don't have a strong religious foundation to lean on for comfort like many folks do. So there's no feeling of a 'safety net'. I know I'm bearing the consequences of my own stupidity....that is, the act of smoking was stupid...I still hold to the opinion that doing stupid things does not make a person stupid overall....LOL I'm not an idiot. I'm not stupid. But in that particular area, I concede.

Hopefully I will return in a few days feeling better and will have kicked the smoking habit once and for all! If I could give up the smoking, it would make this current suffering well worth it.

I wanted to tell you all this myself now, just in case I don't make it...because I know when I don't hear from the people I care about, I worry about them. I'm not going to lecture you on the evils of bad habits like smoking...you're all adults, and unless you've been living under a rock, you know what the facts are-- and you're all responsible for the outcomes of your own lives. I hope you all will take care of your health better than I have done, but even if you don't, I won't love you any less.

I send all my love to each of you:

Isy
Peggy
Lisa
Kris
Karen
Lina
Sue
Nick
Sheri
Janice
Cassee
Jill
Portia (only know your RP name)
Shannon
Claudine (RP)
Mikey
Terri
Scott
SantaDeareat (RP)
Yarho
SweetlyCaroline (RP)
Camille
GG
Lori
WarrenWm.
jinnandtonics
FizzyDuck
RedHatsof NedCo.

You all took the time to be my friends and I adore you all. You have made me laugh, make me think about things and shared your unique perspective on life that I have enjoyed immensely.
If I have not named you, it just means I have a crappy memory and not that this all doen't apply to you. I have almost 400 people who follow me on twitter and I have spoken to many of you directly. I can't possibly name you all, but you know who you are!

Granni Hugs and Kisses!! Hope to see you all real soon.

With All My Heart,
Annie