When I was a kid, keeping my mouth shut at the appropriate times was sometimes difficult. My mother would give me a look that could rip your skin off and I would be told later that whatever it was I said was "unacceptable". The problem was, I was never a good liar, and didn't know how to keep family secrets very well. I never knew when it was okay to say something and when it wasn't. Mom was always telling me to grow up, which confused the hell out of me, because she never could tell me how to go about doing just that. I would've loved to accomodate her, just so I would gain her approval in some small way--but alas, it was not meant to be.
As I got older, I definitely learned what things I could tell her safely without the worry of getting any flak. But occasionally, an innocent comment would get me and hour and a half lecture fraught with disapproval. *sigh* Mom was definitely a Type-A personality and anal-retentive about almost everything. Mom could nit-pick about the dumbest things like how you combed your hair, where you went to get your taxes done and how much money you spent on dinner out. Sometimes she would take it too far and it was so ridiculous, I had to stifle my laughter.... Like once I called her on the phone and she answered in an annoyed tone. When I asked her what was wrong, she said: "I'm trying to eat dinner!!" So me being the smartass that I am replied, "Oh good. That was my plan, to interrupt your dinner!" She realized the absurdity of being angry and laughed.
In the past few years, I have noticed that when I'm uncomfortable or nervous, I'll say things that are blunt, brutally honest and sometimes inappropriate leaving me embarrassed or horrified. The first time I took note of it was when I was in the dentist's chair. Fully numb and mush-mouthed, his drill hit a spot that nearly made me cling to the ceiling. Not thinking, I signed "that fucking hurt!". He looked at me, not knowing what I was signing and said, "What?" So stupid me had to translate with a mouth full of cotton. Now I was on gas at the time, and I will use that as my excuse for my lack of discretion--but anyone who lives in the South will tell you, a lady NEVER drops the F-bomb. Thank God my dentist laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair, but I skipped a few appointments to be sure he'd forgotten the incident...(he didn't).
Yesterday, I'm meeting my new doctor for the first time, and he's asking me many questions about my health history. He asked me about mammograms, Pap smears, and finally asked me if I'd ever had a colonoscopy. Again, without thinking I responded, "Uh uh...NO WAY" He said, "Why?" To which I replied, "Noboody's running a hose up my ass!" ::oh god, I didn't just say that out loud did I?:: One look at his face told me, yeah, I certainly did. Thankfully, he laughed really hard and said, "Well, at least you're honest!"
I won't even tell you about the time I was in church when they introduced a guest speaker named "James Brown" and yes, he was a skinny little black man. Naturally, I had to open my big mouth and start singing (albeit quietly) "Ow! I feel good..." But two rows of folks behind me and two rows in front of me heard me, some tittered and snickered, others gave me that same look mom used to.
So when I say 'I tell it like it is' that's not my way of bragging about my ability to be honest, it's a warning to others that I just can't help myself.
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