I have been single for quite a few years, and up until recently it has never bothered me. I have kept myself busy with my family; my two daughters and two grandsons who live with me. Life in my house with the five of us is noisy, chaotic and full of activity.
As winter nears this year, I've found that I'm feeling my single-ness more than I ever have in the past. In spite of all the noise, the clutter and the toys -- I feel alone. Not that glad-to-have-some-time-to-myself alone...but an empty, hollow alone.
It's as if I have been asleep all these years, and suddenly have awakend with a jolt to a stark, bare forest. How is this possible? I have all these people around me, and yet feel so solitary? Why when they come to me, in my heart I wish they would leave me alone? It doesn't make sense! If I don't want to be alone, then why do I get annoyed when my family wants to spend time with me? Yet, that's all I seem to want these days --to be left alone...but not.
As winter nears this year, I've found that I'm feeling my single-ness more than I ever have in the past. In spite of all the noise, the clutter and the toys -- I feel alone. Not that glad-to-have-some-time-to-myself alone...but an empty, hollow alone.
It's as if I have been asleep all these years, and suddenly have awakend with a jolt to a stark, bare forest. How is this possible? I have all these people around me, and yet feel so solitary? Why when they come to me, in my heart I wish they would leave me alone? It doesn't make sense! If I don't want to be alone, then why do I get annoyed when my family wants to spend time with me? Yet, that's all I seem to want these days --to be left alone...but not.
I guess what I miss is a relationship with someone my own age. Warm hugs from strong arms, the tickle of someone's breath as they whisper in my ear...a yearning hand reaching for me in the darkness. I miss looking at someone, and they know exactly what I'm thinking without my saying a word.
I miss being me. Not mom. Not gramma. Just ME. I miss being loved for who I am as a person, not just because I cook dinner or pay for that new pair of jeans.
Each night I crawl into bed, cold sheets and my heart aching for companionship, for love. And slowly but surely I'm finding it harder to face each day. The kids laughter and play noises reverberate off the walls till it sounds like a faint echo of some other place where I am not.
Where am I? I'm not sure, exactly. I've been avoiding twitter, where my friends have come to know me as the sassy granny who is fun and funny. How can I disappoint them? They all have problems of their own, and normally I give hugs, kisses and words of encouragement or a laugh or two. Snark is what I do best...but then someone's father dies, another friend is in dialysis, another has cancer. Maybe they're losing their home, or they too are alone. Reality creeps in like frost on a bitter night.
With Love, Granni
Hey girl. I just took the time to actually go to your blog from your twitters. I wish I had come here before and I wish you would write more. I'm hoping that you are feelin better and have found some "me" in you by now.
ReplyDeleteAnyways - just wanted to say hello. And that I truly enjoyed the read today.